


We collapse and begin again and again

by savvyliterate



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 18:54:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/903685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savvyliterate/pseuds/savvyliterate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why can’t you let me go? Not even now, when I have given everything I have to give and more! So much death and suffering and loss. I pressed the button that killed my people and walked away. I have had the people I love stolen from me by war, time, a god-damn parallel universe. I have nothing, nothing left in this universe, and all I wanted was a life with them. Three people, that’s all I want. Just Amy and Rory. Just her.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	We collapse and begin again and again

**Author's Note:**

> This was written during a discussion with Charina, and I made her so sad that I promised to include smut to make up for it.

_"I saw the birth of the universe, and I watched as time ran out, moment by moment, until nothing remained.  
No time. No space. Just me." - The Doctor, "The Rings of Ahkaten"_

_\-----_

_“There’s always a way out.”_

It was something that River said again and again, a flirty smile capping more confidence in him than he ever had in himself. Granted, he was quite sure she didn't mean it in the context he was considering those words in right now and would certainly be cross if she knew. He’d considered taking _that_ way out, again and again, mostly after the Time War. And even though the loss of Rose gutted him, Donna then Martha had been there to smooth over the pain. Then the absolute horror of wiping Donna’s memories had yanked the bandage away from the still-oozing wound and the spiral began all over again.

But this was different. He hunched over the console, tears rolling down his cheeks. This was far, far worse. Stupid Doctor, to let them get so close. He knew better. You'd think after a thousand years he would learn, but no. Foolish Doctor. Careless Doctor. He deserved to lose them. Rory the Roman and his loyalty and steadfastness. His precious Amelia. The little girl who waited and waited and kept waiting even more as he stripped everything from her: her childhood, her _child_. And River. Oh god, he didn’t know where to begin with all the ways he royally fucked up her life. From the very moment she took her first breath, he distorted her existence to the point where he deserved death at her hands. Instead, she gave him life again and again. She made him go on, but with the most eternal of curses – to live without her. 

It was fitting that this next journey was to the end of the universe, the one place all Time Lords were forbidden to go. Even the Master had shied away, getting as close as he possibly dared without actually witnessing the end. But, hey, what the hell? The Time Lords were gone, no one around to tell him what to do. And, if what was going to happen was to happen, there wouldn’t be a Doctor to tell the tale anyhow. It wasn’t suicide, he rationalized as he programmed the coordinates. He just might not come back. 

The TARDIS fought him as he twisted knobs, pulled levers, and banged out commands on the typewriter. When she reset the fifth command he entered, he snarled and slammed his hands on the console. “I am master of this ship,” he yelled. “You will obey my commands, do you hear me?”

He regretted the words the moment they left his lips, and he curled his hands into fists. Hunched over, he stared into the elaborate tangle of parts and gizmos. Something gleamed among the wires, and he reached in and gently pulled it out. A sob caught in his throat when he recognized the object. It was a ring, River’s ring, one he had given her for a long-ago anniversary. It was formed from the first rock to ever be created, heated into lava and cooled into obsidian. Set in the middle of the polished stone was the first pearl in existence. He gave it to her to show her that something would last. _They_ would last. He started to throw the ring, but he couldn’t. He pressed his fisted hand with the ring to his forehead, then kissed the ring before slipping it into his pocket. He passed his hand over his eyes before catching notice of the monitor. They had arrived.

The Doctor scrubbed his face with his hands and strode to the door. He yanked it open to see the vast emptiness of space stretch before him. Not so far away, there were the pitiful remains of a dwarf star, speeding toward a black hole. Well, in this case, speeding was about as fast as a car driving through a residential area. Still, it was the final moment in the universe. The last threads of time unraveled as this last fragment of the universe collapsed in on itself. 

Before he could think to say anything, and really who would he be showing off to in the first place, the star disappeared, and there was nothing left. Just an inky black stillness. The absolute nothing. All those lives, all those amazing planets and species and flora and fauna no longer existed. Nothing remained but him.

He dragged in a breath and stepped one foot out of the TARDIS.

He immediately plowed into the ship’s shields, and he shook his head to clear it. OK, running into the TARDIS shields hurt. “Lower the shields,” he commanded the TARDIS. 

They remained stubbornly in place.

“I said lower them. Come on, old girl. One venture out, eh? Always wanted to see what it would be like to walk in space when it no longer exists. I’ll be right back.”

The shields didn’t budge. 

“Why can’t you do this?” he screamed and slammed a fist against the shield. “Why can’t you let me go? Not even now, when I have given everything I have to give and more! So much death and suffering and loss. I pressed the button that killed my people and walked away. I have had the people I love stolen from me by war, time, a god-damn parallel universe. I have nothing, _nothing_ left in this universe, and all I wanted was a life with them. Three people, that’s all I want. Just Amy and Rory. Just _her_.”

He crumpled, face buried in his hands as sobs racked his thin frame.  “Please,” he begged. “There’s nothing left. Just let me go.”

He folded himself into a ball and watched nothing of the universe's afterlife spread before him. He watched and he watched and in non-space with no-time, he would never have any idea how long he stayed there. Unable to hear. Unable to breathe. Unable to see anything but his brilliant Ponds, his beautiful wife. 

The firm pressure of hands touching his shoulder registered dully, and his brain didn’t catch up until he was rolled onto his back and found himself staring into a pair of eyes so familiar, so beloved that he knew he was dreaming. He didn’t say anything as his fringe was brushed back and his name was spoken. Eventually, he lifted a shaking hand and touched it to her cheek. “River.”

Her fingers brushed against his roughened cheek in return. They were warm. It was the first warm thing he’d felt in a very long time. “Oh, my love,” she breathed. “What happened?”

His tongue was heavy, words upon words threatening to spill out. Everything and nothing. The sentences that could rewrite millions upon millions of timelines, including her own. “Spoilers,” he whispered.

River raised her head and peered out the doors. “The end of the universe. No wonder I had such a hard time getting here. Why are you here?”

“There's nothing left,” he whispered. “No time or space. Just me.”

“And me.” She took his hand. “You are not alone, Doctor.”

“Liar,” he hissed. “You don’t know that.”

“I do know that. Billions upon billions love you.” Her voice went cold. “Did nothing from our wedding stick with you?”

“And where were they when I lost you?” he demanded. He rolled onto his knees and grabbed her forearms. “I don’t care anymore.”

“I am going to die eventually, Doctor. Everyone does. That is not a spoiler, that’s life.”

“And when you do, you’ll leave me alone!” He shook her slightly. “How do I go on without you?”

“The same way I went on without you,” River replied, her breath hitching. “Did you ever think that I might have lost you as well? Out-of-order timelines.” She broke his grip and cupped his face. “We are a circle that doesn’t end, my love. I know you hate endings, but we never end. We only say good-bye and see you next time. Because there will always be a next time until the end of your days and the end of mine. I will always be here for you.”

He surged forward, kissing her desperately with all the love and passion he’d shown her time and time again since Demon’s Run and and the aching loss that he’d been suppressing from the first time he ever met her, when she bewitched and bewildered him in the Library. He kissed her again and again, batting her hands away so he could cup her beloved face. Her skin was soft beneath his fingertips as he forced himself to savor being with her again. This was a stolen moment, an exception to the rule, and he would seize it with greedy hands.

They couldn’t stop kissing each other as they stumbled toward the stairs, and he noted she seemed as desperate as he was. He changed his mind, decided that the floor would do. He swept his hands beneath the sweater she wore and absently registered that she was dressed in white from head to foot. That was very unusual for her. River favored darker colors: greens, browns, blacks, the bluest of blue. He pulled away slightly. “Change in designer clothes, dear?”

“Spoilers,” River said lightly as she played with his bow tie. She jerked him to her and kissed him languorously once more, and his toes curled. He skimmed his hands up her ribcage and traced the edges of her bra through the dress. He fisted the dress as he drew the material tight across her breasts. He dropped a kiss to each nipple, pleased when she moaned her approval. He closed his teeth over the hardened bud and bit hard, even more pleased when she gasped.

They left her sweater on the captain’s chair. Her dress was tossed onto the console, and his trousers dangled from the monitor. He spread his tweed on the ground before guiding her onto it, kissing the side of her neck as he slipped his hand into her knickers to run his fingers through the curls beneath. She squirmed as he slipped two fingers between her folds, drawing the moisture over her clit as he rubbed lightly.

“You’re in a rush, my love,” she observed as her nails scraped over his nipples. She tugged at his hand until he reluctantly pulled away, making sure to lick one finger clean in slow, sweeping strokes, then the other. Her pupils darkened and expanded, and he kissed her so she could taste herself. Swept up in the kiss, he barely noticed when she pressed him onto his back. “We have all the time in the world,” she said as she broke the kiss and smoothed her hand over his aching erection. 

“The universe is dead,” he choked as she lightly skimmed her nails over him, the thin cloth of his pants magnifying the touch. “There’s no time left.”

“Then, we’ll just have to make our own.” She started at the double pulse beating frantically, laving her tongue over it before making her way down his body, bestowing butterfly kisses on every inch of skin beneath hands that knew his body better than he knew it himself. She sank her teeth into the spot just above his hipbone, and he gasped as his fingers tangled in her hair. He wondered if it was possible to come from just that stimulation. He whimpered as he felt the front of his pants dampen slightly from the intense arousal, rolling his hips in a silent plea for her to free him.

She chuckled and traced a finger around his belly button. “Still so eager.” 

“You are a temptress,” he managed in a strangled voice.

“Such lovely compliments. You deserve a reward.” She lightly danced her fingers up and down his inner thigh, and he squirmed as she trailed her tongue along the waistband of his pants before moving over the bulge beneath. She exhaled over it, and he shivered. Then she skipped it entirely, moving down to his thighs. “River, please,” he begged.

“Oh, such pretty begging.” She pressed a kiss to one kneecap. “And me without my handcuffs. Oh, the things I could do to you secured to that console, my love. Remember when I had you tied down and made you come with just the tip of a feather?”

He moaned.

“Granted, it was specifically plucked from a plant known for its aphrodisiac qualities, something that I am sure didn’t escape you.” She surged back up, a hand closing over his erection as her lips hovered over his. “Remember the time I stood over your mouth and brought myself to a screaming orgasm while you could do nothing but watch?”

He swallowed. Hard. “Which time?” he rasped.

“Exactly.” She kissed him hard as she finally, _finally_ pushed his pants down and, oh blessed relief, he sprang free into her waiting hand.

He’d had enough of her torture, and before she could do anymore, he rolled her back onto his tweed. She lifted up just enough to remove her bra, and he kissed his way down her stomach to the waist of her knickers. Taking the cloth in his teeth, he dragged them down her thighs before biting the soft skin of her inner thigh. He trailed his tongue up to her folds, parting them with two fingers as he admired the intricate beauty of her body. His previous incarnation had been all slick moves, but this one found women to be about the most alien thing he could encounter. And River was the most alien of aliens, _the_ woman. He’d never wanted to do this with anyone but her, couldn’t possibly imagine himself _with_ anyone but her. She drove him to this madness, and he would take her with him.

“Sweetie, please,” she begged, and he chuckled, pleased with how the tables had turned. Oh, yes, he’d done the same mad things she did to him, drive her to the brink and let her hang while he brought himself pleasure.

He held her down with one arm as he ran his tongue along her folds, circling her clit repeatedly as her moans filled the console room, spilling out of the still-opened door and into the inky nothingness that surrounded them. He pulled back, sliding his fingers into her. Curling them slightly, he thrust quickly as she rolled her hips in response, swearing at him in Gallifreyan to just bloody get on with it. He ignored her, taking his time as her inner muscles clamped around him, and she began to lose her rhythm. When she was just on the edge of orgasm, he pulled away and passed his hand over his erection several times before pulling her knickers off and seating himself in her.

They both gasped and stilled, he trying his very best not to come in that instant, and she luxuriating in the feel of him within her once more. When he was quite sure he could at least make this last longer than 10 seconds, he slowly withdrew then pushed back into her. Her hips rolled to meet his thrusts, and it wasn’t long before their bodies slid against each other, slick with sweat, their need all-consuming. The pressure built and built and built, and he wondered about pulling out just then, prolonging it either further. There was no more time, no more space. They could fuck each other forever, the Time Lord and his wife, lost in each other beyond the ultimate death of deaths.

Her legs wrapped tightly around his waist, and her nails dug into him, keeping him firmly atop her, and then there was no stopping. He began to shake from the effort of holding himself back, kept his eyes locked on her face as she arched against him, head tossed back and eyes closed as she grew closer and closer and … _there_. Her scream sliced through him, and with one, two, three more thrusts, he emptied into her.

He slumped against her, boneless, hearts still pounding wildly. Her arms wrapped around him, holding him so tightly that he couldn’t move, and he had no desire to be anywhere else. He pressed a kiss to the side of her neck and nuzzled her hair. Moving meant that they would separate; separating meant that she would pick up those odd clothes and she would leave, and he didn’t want her to go yet. Maybe in about six millennia, he would be OK with her leaving the console room. Maybe.

Something tickled in the back of his mind, and he lifted his head. He glanced down to see River’s wide eyes.

“Did you feel that?” she asked.

“Yes!” A bit giddy, he pulled away from her and crawled to the open door of the TARDIS. She followed, and he pulled her into his lap. “It’s time! Time’s starting again! We just about missed it!”

The two Time Lords waited with baited breath. Then, there it was, an explosion of massive heat energy, a literal fireball deep in the universe where nothing existed. They threw their hands over their eyes to shield them from the bright light. The Doctor whooped while River laughed and clapped. “Big Crunch,” she said with delight.

“Yes! The universe collapsing in on itself until there’s no more, resulting in a new Big Bang! New universe! And we’re the ones to witness it, River Song!” He hugged her tightly, then yelped. “And, we’ve got to get out of here!”

They scrambled to their feet, reaching the console at the same time. The Doctor tugged his trousers off the monitor while River hastily began inputting coordinates. He threw levers, she twisted knobs, he activated the time rotor. With seconds to spare, they escaped into their original universe.

As the TARDIS drifted in the vortex, River scooped up her clothes. “Can we go by a supernova?” she asked. “I have something I want to burn.”

He watched as she stood naked in the door and tossed the bundle of clothing she wore into the first one he found. He’d pulled back on his pants and trousers, wasn’t quite sure where his shirt or bow tie had ended up. His tweed still smelled of their sex, and he thought about preserving it in one of those special cases that also recorded scent memories.

“Bad memories?” he asked casually as River walked naked back to the console.

“Yes,” she replied and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to get dressed.”

Unwilling to leave her side, he followed her up the stairs to their room. “You don’t have your diary,” he observed.

“I didn’t need it for this trip.” She pulled out underwear, leggings, and a tunic. “I knew exactly where I was going.”

Intrigued, he sat on their bed. “Spoilers …,” he hesitated, then guessed. “Professor?”

“Oh, yes.” River finished dressing and reached for her makeup. “Of the highest sort.”

“When are we, Professor?”

River gave him a flirty wink. “What’s the fun if you don’t guess?” She kissed him as she walked to her nightstand and opened the drawer to pull out her spare blaster and vortex communicator. She turned back to see him slumped over, eyes glazed. She pulled out the bottle of mnemosine recall-wipe vapour she stashed in the drawer and hovered over him. She swallowed, then spritzed it in his face before putting it back in the drawer. “I’m sorry, my love,” she whispered and kissed his cheek. She pulled the duvet over him as much as she could. “But, you’re not meant to know about this yet. I’ll see you soon, sweetie.”

When she reached the console room, she programmed in the coordinates for Paternoster Row, December 1892. Patting the console, she stepped out of the TARDIS just after it landed and sent herself forward a year with the vortex manipulator. She landed in the same spot, and she caught her breath. Right, just need to tell Vastra her mission was complete, and then she would _oh-_

She found herself pressed into something hard, the Doctor snogging the absolute daylights out of her. She hitched a leg around his waist as he ground against her. “Hello, sweetie,” she gasped and realized he had pressed her into the TARDIS, parking in the exact same spot where he'd been a year earlier before moving atop his cloud.

“You weren’t a dream.” He buried his face in the side of her neck. “All that time ago, when you came to me as the universe died, you weren’t a dream.”

“You weren’t supposed to remember any of it,” River gasped as he cupped her breasts.

His teeth sank into her earlobe. “Mnemosine recall-wipe vapour is no longer effective after a certain point,” he whispered in her ear, his hand sweeping under her tunic to slip beneath the waist of her leggings and knickers. “I thought it was all a dream, driven to the edge of madness for want of my wife.” He lightly circled her clit, and she moaned. “But, it wasn’t. You’d just come from the Library.”

River’s head snapped up, nearly banging it against the TARDIS. “Doctor, you’re not supposed to-”

“No more spoilers.” He shoved her leggings down at the same time her hands automatically went for the zip on his trousers. “I know what Clara did, that she saved you in the Library. I know you saw Vastra and Jenny just after and they told you what happened to me after I lost you. There’s no more secrets. You and I are on the same page, and we’re going to go forward together.” He kissed her as he slid into her.

“Right, Doctor,” Clara said as she walked out the door, staring at a piece of paper in her hands. “According to Vastra, we should be able to find her–” She glanced up, gulped, abruptly spun and marched back inside, nearly plowing over Strax in the process.

“Madame said to tell you that the Doctor and the boy with the _hair_ are fornicating outdoors,” he informed her.

“Yes, Strax, I could see that.” Clara pressed her hand to her eyes. “I wish there was a way I could unsee it.”

“Would the boy care for the brain bleach?”

Clara cracked open one eye. “That really exists?”

“Sontarans always carry a supply of brain bleach.”

“What he means to say,” Vastra corrected as she glided into the room, “is that you’re in dire need of a drink.”

“I’m in dire need of lots of drinks after seeing bits of the Doctor I never wanted to see.”

“Yes, well.” Vastra twitched the curtains aside and smiled. “I do hope your alcohol tolerance is adequate, my dear. I believe they’ve finished round one and moved inside to christen the console.”

Clara wondered if brain bleach would work as a TARDIS disinfectant.


End file.
